Midnight fatigued feelings…


As I type this, it’s 05.21 and I haven’t been to bed yet. Baby Scarlett has a very blocked nose which is making sleeping almost impossible for her and she keeps waking up and crying. My husband has a busy weekend coming up with a lot of driving so I am currently downstairs with the Moses basket down here with me so I can keep the cuddles going for her whilst not disturbing my husband, who has been a pillar of support over the last couple of difficult days and really needs some rest!

It must be very confusing for her not to be able to breathe through her nose and it’s heartbreaking not to be able to do anything for her. I’m no longer bothering to try and go to sleep, it just makes it harder to get up each time! So instead I decided to go back and have a little read of all the messages on Facebook of congratulations and well wishes from when she was born. And, like I did then, several tears came to my eyes as I read through all the heartfelt expressions of love, support and good luck.

Admittedly, I’m VERY tired, and my emotional control isn’t what it used to be before those pesky maternal hormones came into play!

But ask anyone that knows me and they’ll confirm that I’m cranky when I’m tired, I’ve always been bad at sleeping but I’ve always caught up or slept at funny times to ensure I had enough rest time. That’s not quite how it works when you have a baby. Scarlett woke me up at 2am on the 1st July when my waters broke and I haven’t caught up since! There’s no time, like almost every parent, I walk around on fumes most of the time. But you know what, it’s brilliant.

Every day, every single day when I look into that little girls face, with her beautiful blue eyes I feel like I could do anything. Every smile lights up the entire room. Today, despite the fact that she has been feeling poorly, when the two of us were standing together in the lounge with her, my husband chatting to her with her in my arms, she let out her first proper baby giggle, and the emotions took my breath away. In that moment, I swelled with pride and my heart nearly burst with love, not only for her but for my husband as well. We made this tiny little new person and she amazes us every day. It’s hard, it’s really hard, especially when it’s 05.21 and you’re weighing up whether to make Camomile tea or admit defeat and put on a pot of coffee so you can survive the following 24 hours (especially knowing full well my husbands away for the night working!). And I know it’s not a night of missed sleep that I’ll get back, tonight is gone and there’s no retrievals. But I couldn’t be happier.

Years ago, nearly 30 years ago in fact, my Dad wrote a poem. I should tell you, my Father is not known for his theatrical talents, he freely admits never to having read a book (since he had to at school) and although he’s very supportive of me, creative pursuits are not really his bag. However, he once told me that he couldn’t adequately explain how he felt when I was born, and that this once in a lifetime poem, just sort of came to him. And I think his words actually sum up that crazy haze when you realise your life has been taken over by someone else, that moment you realise someone has set up a permanent camp in the largest part of your heart, really quite well. (I should also point out that my Mum is more the creative talent, and used to write a lot of poems, but she didn’t keep them so heartbreakingly I never got to read them)

So in fact that’s enough from me, I’m going to try and get at least a cat nap, and I’ll leave you with my Dad’s words…

“When I looked at my little girl
The feelings I experience put me in a whirl
As she lays there asleep
My thoughts are ones I want to keep

I just stand there by her bed awhile
Whilst I look at that angelic smile
The look on her face is so peaceful
What a shame she has to age and become tall

As each day becomes part of our past
I hope and pray my feelings will last”


Battling the bugs…


Scarlett has her first cold. It’s heartbreakingly adorable! There’s something about little baby sneezes and coughs that are really cute, which is strange because coughs and sneezes in adults are very annoying as noises go! It’s times like this however, we realise quite how inexperienced and helpless we are as parents.

Scarlett’s 12 weeks old, so she doesn’t understand why things hurt, why she can’t breathe through her nose properly. So understandably she’s crying a lot more and has this little sad look on her face, a look of confusion that yanks at the heart strings. When she’s feeding, she can’t breathe through her nose so she’s also feeding lots, but not for long. And sleeping although much more required, is much less possible…for all of us! We can’t adequately communicate to her that she will be fine. We just want to wrap her up, cuddle her and tell her that she’ll feel better soon and that we’ll look after her; which, don’t get me wrong, is exactly what we’re telling her but she doesn’t understand.

We’d started to think we had the hang of being parents (I know I know, stupid!) and then she’s poorly and we realise how little we know.

“She’s really warm, what temperature is too high?”

“Is it ok she’s being sick so much?”

“She’s filled her nappy three times in the past hour, is that too many?”

Three examples of hundreds of questions we’ve asked ourselves over the last couple of days.

As naturally busy people, we’ve also had to learn very quickly that although we may well be able to power through when we are ill, with a poorly baby, things have to slow down & stop around her. This weekend we had, between us, a good friends hen do, two good friends birthdays and two big work engagements. The work engagements we’re able to work around, we have to, we’re freelance and we have to have money coming in. But the social stuff all had to be cancelled. Now we’re both pretty well known for being extremely well meaning but chaotic, so we often have what could be considered strange things going on,

‘sorry we can’t make the meal as we’re up in York castle meeting a group of monks that day.’

‘….well quite, why wouldn’t you be?!’

but we really hate having to let people down especially at last minute. But one of the biggest learning curves certainly I’ve had is that once you’ve had a child, being a people pleaser is infinitely more difficult. Whereas normally I’d stretch myself as necessary to be able to fit things in, now, if Scarlett is unwell or we can’t arrange adequate child care, that’s it, game over, attendance missing.

The majority of people understand this and realise that with a baby on board, there’ll be times when we’re unavoidably unavailable, but it’s certainly difficult to adjust to when our whirlwind lifestyle (a whirlwind we’re used to) comes to a grinding halt beyond our control!

I also am now filled with a cold, so getting up in the middle of the night with razor blades in my throat, a pneumatic drill in my head and a running tap in my nose, as well as a baby who needs to take all the nutrition she can find from me makes a common cold uncommonly difficult to power through from!

All in all, this week has been a lesson that we’re very much still amateurs in the parenting game. Friday and Saturday night have been spent tucked up indoors at home, after getting a trolley full of calpol, throat sweets, tissues & lemsips (only the Dr recommended calpol for baby of course!). And not sat in a cottage in Oxford reminiscing about the time we bum boarded down a French slope after dinner with the bride to be, but instead taking in turn to walk Scarlett up and down (and telling her the story instead!), texting people to let them know we’re not going to be able to make something, and generally pausing as much as we can and taking care of our daughter (and secondarily ourselves). The ‘we like to take her everywhere with us so she can get used to our lifestyle and experience as much as possible,’ ethos is sound, but only when it’s suitable. Some Saturdays, regardless of what’s going on, will have to be in front of the TV with snacks and XFactor. And actually in a weird way, although it’s been tough, we’ve really cherished the bits of family time we’ve had together. In between confused tears and baby snuffles, we’ve had really lovely moments. She’s found the noise of me blowing my nose hilarious and the odd giggle and little smiles have been so rewarding. And although as a rule it’s not generally our style, I have to admit, sitting on the sofa, all cuddled up, homemade hot toddy’s in hand (our hands, not Scarlett’s!) Simon Cowell and co on the television, (despite the constant panic google checks…!) we made a happy trio indeed.

Now if you’ll excuse me, her glands seem swollen, let me just check again online what’s normal…

(As a slight aside, I’d like to add that I hope my lovely friend Naomi has had the best hen party ever. And a very happy birthday to both Pano and Maddy! We hope to celebrate with you all soon!)


Our poorly pea…


Our beautiful baby girl is poorly, her very first cold. Not a first we were looking forward to and one we can’t help but feel slightly helpless in as she’s clearly in discomfort and there’s little or nothing we can do about it but cuddle her, feed her, and try and show her as best we can that she’ll be ok soon.

“Daddy’s on the couch with you, Mummy’s in a chair,
Taking turns to comfort you, showing you we’re there.
You’ve never had a cold before, you’re only 12 weeks old,
we’re doing the best we can for you, using tips that we’ve been told.

Your little eyes are slightly red, your little nose is too,
your little tears are heartbreaking, there’s nothing we can do.
The night feels never-ending, as we wipe away your tears,
checking for your temperature, abating our own fears.

We’ve added in a bottle, to quench your increased thirst,
Both of us attending you, baby Scarlett coming first.
We wish we could just tell you, that all will be just fine,
but we can only hug you, you’ll feel better in good time.

Some people say these moments, are too much to bear,
A night of broken hours, both parents needed there.
We used to think that also, dread the hardest parts,
But now we are here with you, you’re the best thing in our hearts.”

Get well soon sweetheart X