Trickier times…

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Let me hide us away in a safe warm caccoon,Let me protect us all safe from this storm.

Let me take any hurt and send it away,

Let me keep us all happy and warm.
It’s out of my hands, so the Dr’s all say,

Just rest up, we’ll keep a keen eye.

So we take some time off and ‘relax’ like they say,

And watch as the days tick on by.
We know that our chances are good by all counts,

We know that we’re lucky, us three.

Things could be much worse, so much harder than this,

There’s much more traumatic things that we see.
But a parents job is to take care of their kids,

To keep them from getting in harm.

So with nothing to do but so much to lose,

It’s tricky to stay upbeat and calm.
Hold on little one, Mummy’s doing her best,

I’m fighting as hard as I can,

Not long to go now, till we can meet you when safe,

I’ll do my best to see out that plan.
Our two girls are our world, to my husband and me,

There’s nothing we both hold so dear,

So they say just relax, but with no power to help,

It’s really tough to abate all our fears.
I love you, my rock, my husband, my friend,

I couldn’t do this without you, you see. 

Hiding away from the rest of the world,

Until our baby’s safe with Daddy, Scarlett and me.

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Growing Pains…

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To Scarlett, love mummy xx

“Wheres the pause button to push in life?

To stop everything going so fast.

My baby girls growing up so quick.

And I want all these moments to last.

It won’t be long before I can’t pick her up,

And lift her right over my head.

It won’t be long, a mere blink of an eye,

She’ll be helping me up instead.

It seems only yesterday, she was so small,

And could fit in the crook of my arm,

As she grows and she moves about much more,

I’d give anything to keep her from harm.

So while she is still Mummy’s baby for now,

I’ll make the most of each day,

And lot’s of photos we’ll take of our little girl,

So these memories never quite fade away.”

Prosecco Induced Poetry…

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Today is World Poetry Day and so I thought I would share a little Prosecco induced poem I wrote late last night/very early this morning in the middle of a very luxurious and romantic 5 star stay away I had with my husband. A belated wedding anniversary and joint 30th birthday treat! 

My World

“My heart sings out when I hear your name,

Your voice brightens my every day,
My soul lifts up when I hold your hand,
I love you, I couldn’t count the ways.
I’m a short little Ladey, a hobbit you say,
But in your embrace I feel sky high,
An intellectual crush, that developed much more,
That only grows as the years go by.
When I look at you, it’s the future I see,
And that seaside located seat,
To find a best friend, lover, true comrade too,
Is an occasion that’s quite unique.
I’d search for you for a thousand years,
If I had to, to find our start,
No life wouldn’t be ok, or just as complete,
Without my hearts true counterpart.”

Much soppier than it would have been had I written it before the Prosecco but the sentiment remains!

I have a few other blog entries just waiting to be published but we’re on a self imposed mini holiday so no computer access allowed so just a quick entry via cheeky phone access tonight, and in the meantime ‘Happy World Poetry Day comrades’!

  

Poetry on painkillers…

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After the slightly deeper entry about taking better care of myself, I thought a couple more codeine induced bursts of poetry were about due! Written around 4am, I’m not sure these will make it into the collection to be published…

The Grizzly Bear

The grizzly bear is a powerful beast,

With a powerful grizzly bear roar,

He growls and he scowls and he raises right up,

To show what he’s made of and more.

But what people don’t know, it’s what’s deep inside,

Just below all the bark and the bite,

A grizzly is just a bear that’s been hurt,

A bear that feels he must fight.

There is a way in, a route past his wall,

A path that’s not easy to see,

A path not well taken, not easy at times,

But the very best place I can be.

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The Dormouse

The dormouse is one that is easily pushed,

Who often gets walked right past,

She squeaks and she creaks and she tries to raise up,

But the strength is not something that lasts.

But what people don’t know, it’s what deep inside, 

When someone takes the time to see,

A dormouse is definitely not small in heart,

A doormats not what she will be.

Not many will try, and tread carefully through,

While watching where they stand,

But for those that do, for those that care,

She’ll never let go of their hand.

Poetry passed on…

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I’ve always written poetry, and never really known for sure where that particular side of my brain had come from. I have had a collection of poetry just waiting to be put together and published for a while now but life gets busy and it had slowly gone further to the bottom of the pile, especially since Scarlett was born. Recently I wrote a blog post which included a poem that my Dad had written when I was born, he would admit himself that creativity isn’t his strong point (although on reading his poem, I suspect the talent has just been suppressed!).

However! Last week my Mum brought round a little blue book and within it was a goldmine of discovery. She used to write poetry, lots of poetry, and some of the themes of love and motherhood, and hopes and dreams are so reflective of my own, it was such a wonderful recognition of one side of my life. I always knew that Mum was creative but now armed with a whole book full of poetry, I’m so pleased to be able to show my baby girl some of Nana’s work, not that at 4 months old she can really read and digest it, I was thinking more for the future…!

Anyway, aptly, my Mum wrote about Motherhood when she was just 18, and the feelings she experienced really echo my own, and so I thought it appropriate to share with you, dear friends and comrades. To see more of her poetry, now it’s risen in my pile of things to do, please do check out my collection of poetry when it’s finally released, which will now contain a certain special collaboration.

But for now may I please proudly present, Carol Whelans 1974 thoughts on Motherhood, for you my precious baby Scarlett, may you feel the same in the future;

“A mother is someone who knows all our needs,
Our hopes and our dreams and desires,
with a genuine interest in all that we do,
Someone who guides and inspires.

The heart of a Mother is full of compassion,
So generous, kind and forgiving,
The smile of a Mother is loving and tender,
And adds so much gladness to living.

A Mother is someone with infinite patience,
Who soothes all our troubles away,
Someone with limitless faith in her children,
And love for them day after day.

A Mother can make a house into a home,
By just being thoughtful and sweet,
By her warm understanding and gentleness too,
That makes life so rich and complete.

A Mother is full of true wisdom and strength,
Of loveliness, insight and grace,
She’s someone whose love we will cherish forever,
For no-one can take ‘Mother’s’ place!”

Midnight fatigued feelings…

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As I type this, it’s 05.21 and I haven’t been to bed yet. Baby Scarlett has a very blocked nose which is making sleeping almost impossible for her and she keeps waking up and crying. My husband has a busy weekend coming up with a lot of driving so I am currently downstairs with the Moses basket down here with me so I can keep the cuddles going for her whilst not disturbing my husband, who has been a pillar of support over the last couple of difficult days and really needs some rest!

It must be very confusing for her not to be able to breathe through her nose and it’s heartbreaking not to be able to do anything for her. I’m no longer bothering to try and go to sleep, it just makes it harder to get up each time! So instead I decided to go back and have a little read of all the messages on Facebook of congratulations and well wishes from when she was born. And, like I did then, several tears came to my eyes as I read through all the heartfelt expressions of love, support and good luck.

Admittedly, I’m VERY tired, and my emotional control isn’t what it used to be before those pesky maternal hormones came into play!

But ask anyone that knows me and they’ll confirm that I’m cranky when I’m tired, I’ve always been bad at sleeping but I’ve always caught up or slept at funny times to ensure I had enough rest time. That’s not quite how it works when you have a baby. Scarlett woke me up at 2am on the 1st July when my waters broke and I haven’t caught up since! There’s no time, like almost every parent, I walk around on fumes most of the time. But you know what, it’s brilliant.

Every day, every single day when I look into that little girls face, with her beautiful blue eyes I feel like I could do anything. Every smile lights up the entire room. Today, despite the fact that she has been feeling poorly, when the two of us were standing together in the lounge with her, my husband chatting to her with her in my arms, she let out her first proper baby giggle, and the emotions took my breath away. In that moment, I swelled with pride and my heart nearly burst with love, not only for her but for my husband as well. We made this tiny little new person and she amazes us every day. It’s hard, it’s really hard, especially when it’s 05.21 and you’re weighing up whether to make Camomile tea or admit defeat and put on a pot of coffee so you can survive the following 24 hours (especially knowing full well my husbands away for the night working!). And I know it’s not a night of missed sleep that I’ll get back, tonight is gone and there’s no retrievals. But I couldn’t be happier.

Years ago, nearly 30 years ago in fact, my Dad wrote a poem. I should tell you, my Father is not known for his theatrical talents, he freely admits never to having read a book (since he had to at school) and although he’s very supportive of me, creative pursuits are not really his bag. However, he once told me that he couldn’t adequately explain how he felt when I was born, and that this once in a lifetime poem, just sort of came to him. And I think his words actually sum up that crazy haze when you realise your life has been taken over by someone else, that moment you realise someone has set up a permanent camp in the largest part of your heart, really quite well. (I should also point out that my Mum is more the creative talent, and used to write a lot of poems, but she didn’t keep them so heartbreakingly I never got to read them)

So in fact that’s enough from me, I’m going to try and get at least a cat nap, and I’ll leave you with my Dad’s words…

“When I looked at my little girl
The feelings I experience put me in a whirl
As she lays there asleep
My thoughts are ones I want to keep

I just stand there by her bed awhile
Whilst I look at that angelic smile
The look on her face is so peaceful
What a shame she has to age and become tall

As each day becomes part of our past
I hope and pray my feelings will last”

Not so jolly jabs…

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Scarlett had her 12 week vaccinations yesterday, and it was just as heartbreaking as the 8 week ones. That little face, the sad tears. Only this time I had my husband there to hold MY hand! I want to be able to adequately explain to her that it’s ok, it’ll only hurt for a minute and protects her from a whole host of nasty diseases, but I can’t. She doesn’t understand, and that little confused and hurt face breaks my heart!

I had to wonder how it must play out in Scarlett’s mind…which then led to the following poem…

“Keep smiling, please don’t cry,
Eyes wet with tears, asking why.
Such a good day, up till now,
“It’s for the best”, I don’t see how.

My Daddy hugs me, Mummy’s sad,
I look up, this hurts so bad,
I’m 12 weeks old, I don’t need this,
Pain not subsiding with Mummy’s kiss.

“See you soon,” the nurse replies,
I look up, mean lady I despise,
A stickers not enough for me,
Leave me alone, make her let me be.

For the best, to keep me safe,
I have to take that on good faith.
It’s not much fun, it’s not a ball,
If I had my way I wouldn’t go at all!”

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