Unplanned Panic…


There’s been a slight set back. A blip. A temporary bump in the road. A bit of back story will help make sense of how I got to watching Greys Anatomy on the iPad, still shaking, trying to get my heart rate to calm back down to pre panic attack state.

On New Years Day we were involved in a minor car accident. We were all fine, and luckily the driver who went into the back of us swerved to avoid us taking the full impact. In terms of injuries, the kids were unaffected, my husband had some soft tissue damage to his lower back and I hurt my neck and left shoulder from where I had twisted round towards the children just before we were hit. Physically, we were ok.

Cut to a week later and I’m struggling to sleep because of the back and neck pain. Which is fine, although difficult. A car then cut us up at a roundabout a couple of days later and I freaked out, with a way bigger reaction than necessary. Nightmares of a car coming towards my children were three or four times a week occurrence. I became very jumpy, and my nerves were frayed. I avoid getting in the car, I’ve become really overly protective of the girls.

After a couple of really bad nights sleep I ended up bursting into tears at the Dr’s surgery because I was so worried that the lack of sleep would lead to epilepsy problems that my stress levels were through the roof.

In the meantime, physio was arranged for both my husband and I. I had my initial assessment and it went ok, we chatted through it all and a referral was put through for both my wrists which I’d hit on impact to make sure a break from a few years ago wasn’t problematic. I was then booked in for my next session of physio the day after my birthday this week. (I’m 33 now. Yelp.)

To try and work through some particularly tender knots in my neck and shoulder the physio used an ultrasound for some deep tissue massage. I remember it hurting, and then…and then my husband was there and I was being taken home. I apparently then sat in the bath without water for a while, and I’ve been full of a headache with really tense muscles since. Something tells me the physio’s good work may well have been set back slightly.

The ripple effect from the minor prang is, I know, hugely not a big deal. But it feels devastating. I was on track, I was on the road to improving my wellbeing after a couple of turbulent health years. I was jogging, I was using mindfulness for a few leftover anxiety issues and post pregnancy stress issues.

So why am I sitting up in bed at 1am shaking and trying to get my heart rate back down with a paper bag next to me tonight? Well, the seizure was yesterday. So today I haven’t felt very well, exhausted, and in pain. And emotionally struggling as I really thought I was done with epilepsy being an active issue. This evening my husband went to Swindon for work and after the kids were in bed I sat watching TV and (ironically) reading through my mindfulness apps.

And then I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. And running across my living room floor bed as brass was a freaking rat. Without warning my panic level went sky high. I’ve only felt that panicked once before in my life. And that was when I walked onto my holiday balcony and saw a body hanging in an apartment down from ours. Yes, it was horrendous, and likely one of the main reasons I went into a forensics/criminology career path. And I know it seems hugely dramatic to compare the two events but my nerves are currently so shot to shreds, that I went into full fight or flight. And like the Summer of 2003, my main worry was that if panic took over I would have a seizure and I was on my own and so needed to deal with this situation. When I saw the rat, my husband was about 40 mins away on his way home. It ran underneath the sofa, so I walked to the stairs so I could see both sides of the sofa. I called pest control and was told that someone would be round in about 25 mins with a terrier dog trained to track and get rid of vermin. Whilst on the phone, the rat went from under the couch into the kitchen. The sight of it again did not help my panic. I could tell I was on the verge of hyperventilating so I called my Dad (I didn’t want to call my husband and worry him while driving), to try and keep as calm as possible and so that if I did have a seizure, there would be someone on the phone who would recognise it and be able to do something. I also called my brother who came over as I’m quite nervous of dogs, and although I’m ok with most dogs these days, the idea of being on my own while a dog came in specifically to attack something while I was already in such a state, did not fill me with confidence.

My husband arrived just before pest control did. The noise of dog vs rat is not something that will leave me quickly. While the ‘eviction’ took place, I sat on the stairs trying to calm down, and made a list on my phone of all the things I needed to bleach.

I am not a nervous, panicky person. I am not frightened of spiders, or mice, or (until today) rats. I am a good person to have in an emergency. I keep calm. People call me when they’re in a panic. I am not the person who can’t sleep because she can still hear rats or because I’m panicking that both children are in some kind of danger.

We were in a minor car prang on New Years Day, and the chain reaction has me a quivering wreck, terrified to put my feet down from the bed and unable to go to sleep with an appointment with the epilepsy nurse to up my dosage. Which means I can’t look into learning to drive (one of my 2018 goals), I’ve had to stop jogging, and I’m on a waiting list for trauma related therapy. Not to mention that I’ve now become terrified about any epileptic issues when I’m with my kids. All in all, the minor prang feels rather major now.

It’s a blip, but it feels like such a massive one tonight while I try and ignore the feeling of needing the toilet because I don’t want to go anywhere else in the house. And although I thought I was on the other end of issues like this. I want to bring my girls up to know that life will throw many bumps in the road, and as important as it is to keep going, it’s also important to make sure to heal as you go. And that healing needs it’s time as much as the braving it.

My Dad and husband both said they were proud about how I dealt with it. Which seems laughable, I hyperventilated, panicked and practically pulled multiple muscles by shaking and being so tense. But, I called pest control and I kept someone on the phone with me and stayed so I could see where the rat went. And did everything I needed to without screaming and waking the kids or losing track of the rat etc etc. And I didn’t have a seizure. So it can be considered a win. But I’m still going to call the Dr tomorrow to ask if there’s anything I can maybe have to help my nerves because tonight has proved that it is most definitely out of control.

It’s a slight set back, a blip. And I’m writing a blog post and watching Greys Anatomy to keep my mind busy. I’m so upset about it all, but I’ll manage it. And I’ll show my girls that it’s ok to struggle and it’s ok to need help as long as you don’t give up on yourself.

So my healthy, active, putting the past troublesome three years behind me is not the bump free road that I was planning for. But the easy road is a boring one anyway….


Loved ones legacy…


People that know me well know that I am not overtly religious, although I do feel that in such a huge universe, we can’t possibly understand what is behind and/or beyond and I therefore remain open, and often find comfort in the term ‘spiritual’. I believe in fate as it seems to have come to fruition on more than a couple of occasions. I believe in there being powers to our heart and soul that we do not understand. 

And on some occasions, I seem to have a sort of unexplained foresight, a ‘feeling in my waters’, a sense that can’t be explained but likely has a scientific explanation. I’m not making much sense I know, but I’m hoping you’ll know what I mean.Two nights ago I posted at 4am about my overwhelming sadness for my Aunt and how she must feel at not being able to make her son, my little cousin, better. I reminisced a bit about our childhood together, and I talked of not being able to sleep. I didn’t sleep for a while after posting and the next day I just knew there was something I wasn’t totally aware of. That lunchtime, for the first time in lord knows how long, my brother and I met up for lunch, the first time in months we’d just spent time together just the two of us and very random. He invited me to join him for a lunch break and we chatted about our cousin. 

After lunch I got a call I knew I was going to receive that day. My 30 year old cousin had passed away. He battled cancer like an absolute champ for nine months, and certainly given it hell, but was now at peace. 

He was surrounded by immediate family at the end, and in some random circumstance, my brother and I were together as it happened too. My Aunt had been called in early that morning. 

Maybe I just ate something that disagreed with me, maybe I’m in a weird place in my menstrual cycle which kept me awake. I’m sure there are hundreds of reasons scientifically minded people could enlighten me on as to why I couldn’t sleep and couldn’t stop thinking about the family a few hours before. Or why for no real reason, my brother and I met up for lunch like we did. If you are one of those people, I respect your logic and often search for it, but on this occasion you can leave me be.

Because in this case, I choose. I choose to believe that somehow on his late night, in hours when fewer people are around, perhaps he would have been able to sense that I was thinking of him, that he wasn’t remotely alone. That although we weren’t there, my brother and I were somehow present in some way. That maybe if he had any worries about letting go and being at peace, perhaps, unconscious thoughts of mine could reach his in the middle of the night to let him know that everything was ok. 

Christ, I know how that sounds. Bloody arrogant for one thing, he had a lot of people in his life, and he would most likely have chosen someone else to spiritually link with! And my grief is nothing compared to that of his parents, his siblings. 

I was brought up with an extremely healthy view of death (in my opinion), we talk often and fondly of those no longer with us. We keep them firmly in our minds and hearts and as part of our lives. I think of my Grandad every time I make a roast dinner, I can hear him say ‘good on you girl’ every time the roast potatoes go nice and crispy. I phoned my Mum just last week because I was rolling out marzipan for a fruit cake, and suddenly the combination of marzipan and the wooden chopping board created a smell that took me right back to my Nana & Grandads house. Nana used to use a lot of marzipan. My Nan I think of every Good Friday, I imagine her infectious laugh as I have a glass of port and make the same joke about her perhaps being back this Easter Sunday, every year. It’s the kind of joke she would have made herself! My Auntie Win had this distinctive laugh which my eldest daughter now occasionally does and it takes me right back to being in her flat. I think of my old neighbour George whenever I play a board game with my kids. I laugh remembering my Great Uncle Jack whenever I see the English dishes on an Indian restaurant menu, thinking back to him insisting on having chicken and chips at my Dads 60th birthday meal. 

And those are just a few! A few people that were in my life that I loved and lost but will never really leave me. I like to think of them all watching over us, it gives me a huge amount of comfort to think that they could see what happened in my life, that they could see my husband, laugh at my kids antics the way they would have done if they’d have met them. Maybe my cousin can tell them, our Auntie Win will definitely be waiting there for a big hug for him, they were very close. 

He’s no longer with us, but I will see him and think of him often. When I buy gingerbread men from a bakery as we used to as kids. Every time I watch the girls run round trying to pop the bubbles coming out of the wishing fish clock in the arcade, a feature he loved so much he did a road trip with a friend specifically to show them it! Bachelors super noodles, something neither of us could get enough of, chicken, or sometimes BBQ beef if we fancied a change. 

So whether it was foresight, or I sensed it, or part of my sub conscious was reaching out to him at the very end without me knowing, I find comfort in it. It helps me believe that he is looking down on us all now, pain free and happy. Most likely trying to tell me I can sleep now! So I’m going to try to. And for him, and all the people no longer on this earth with us able to do so themselves, I’m going to try and honour them all by living to the fullest, making this Christmas as magical as possible for Mini Pea and Mooper. My cousin was kind, generous and always smiling, a bloody good example to us all. 

Smiling through sadness…


My beautiful grown up girl had pre school booster injections today. They hurt & as a parent, all you want is to make them feel better. For Mini Pea, we could do that with a coffee shop treat & cuddles. My heart breaks for my Auntie, who cannot do anything to heal her child’s pain. I’m not ready to write about the circumstances yet. I haven’t slept very well recently, I’ve been half expecting a phone call, half trying to calm my anxieties and talk myself down that living positively is not something to feel guilty about but the only way we can keep going forward. 

My children are my life. Today, I had to physically hold my eldest so she couldn’t move while someone injected her which I knew would hurt her. She was so brave, she stayed still and went in the room smiling because she is at an age where she trusts that her parents won’t put her in harm. The pain was a surprise. We’d explained that it would hurt a little bit but that she would need to be brave, that it was to keep her healthy (not really a concept that a three year old can quite grasp) and that we would take her for a treat afterwards. 
And as she cried, I smiled and hugged her, told her I loved her and that it would all be ok. My husband and I took her to our special coffee shop and treated her and by the time she went back to her Grandparents (she spends every Tuesday with her Grandparents) she was smiling and her normal sunny self. Inside however, as soon as I saw her in pain, my heart broke. After we all laughed together in the coffee shop, my mind and heart kept thinking of all parents who can’t heal their children or take away their pain. Specifically I found myself grieving for a family situation in a way I haven’t yet allowed myself to process fully. 

If I could, I would take my younger cousin a hot chocolate, and maybe some BBQ beef super noodles, as when we were kids, both of those things would put a smile on his face. If possible, I would take him on a car journey and put ‘Rhythm is a Dancer’ on loud so we could both throw our heads back laughing as we sang along while my Uncle drove. 

It was such a simple thing that cheered up my precious little girl. Such little things I know could cheer my cousin up. But I can’t make him feel better. The whole family are in anguish knowing that there’s nothing any of us can do. 

Sadly my husband is going through a similar pain, one we share for a close friend of ours going through a similar thing, sadly only slightly behind my cousin. I keep telling him that we must concentrate on positive things to get through the dark and celebrate every day with our family and friends, that living life to the absolute full is the best thing we can do. We’re lucky to be able to visit our friend and will hopefully make a fair few more happy memories. This year has shown us how important it is to make sure friends and family know how important they are, how loved. 

My little girl was brave, and she is now safely tucked up in bed, warm, healthy, safe. I would give my last breath to keep her and her sister that way. I’m still awake now because grief keeps me awake. Grief for two situations I so desperately want to help but know that I can’t. I don’t allow myself to dwell on these negative emotions generally. I’m more of a ‘buck up girl’ until there’s a bit of time to deal with things. I’m not saying that this is a good thing, on the contrary. When things are tough, I tend to make myself busier and busier until eventually it catches up with me. I’m not entirely sure how to deal with things better, it’s a lifelong method that I don’t really know how to change if I wanted to. In some ways, it’s a coping mechanism, in some ways it’s how I’ve achieved done of the things that I have. Anyway, I digress. I hope and pray that I am always able to make both of my girls feel better, I hope and pray I’m always able to make my husband feel better. I hope that the little things can always make a big difference for those I love. There are lots of us in pain because of similar circumstances. 

An old school friend of mine once wrote in a blog ‘live, love and don’t be sorry’. Words and a general sentiment that changed my life in 2013 and have stayed with me ever since her death that year. None of us know what sadnesses and difficulties each other are dealing with behind closed doors. We cannot control what happens to us or our loved ones however much we pray for it in the middle of the night. We can however control how we treat each other. As much as we can, let’s be kind to each other, love each other and make the most of every little thing that brings us joy.

Continuing Collecting Memories…


Holly suffered so much more with tooth pain than Scarlett ever did, I’m not sure Scarlett ever even noticed her teeth coming through(!). Holly was quicker to walk than Scarlett, Scarlett started talking clearly sooner than Holly has. They are both very spirited, bright eyed and full of smiles and laughs. Holly has more of a temper, Scarlett I think may be a bit less of a daredevil than Holly (maybe slightly more sensible is the better way to explain it!)

As they grow up, they will gain other similarities and their differences will also become more apparent. Their differences are to be celebrated as much as their similarities are to be cherished. Their hearts will be forever entwined together, but they will travel their individual paths with each others support (and probably gentle mockery because the sibling bond is like no other). My brother and I are similar in many ways, we’re both dorky and a bit weird, we’re just as likely to make a strange noise at each other as we are to communicate normally. So far, so sibling. We’re both defensive and have tempers. We’re both extremely passionate about our interests (both of us with video games, him with football and me with theatre), and we both also use humour to hide what we’re really feeling 90% of the time, both only really confiding primarily in our partners and quite often each other. On the same page, he loves fast cars and I wouldn’t be out of place running barefoot in a meadow. If he goes on holiday, he’d rather stay someplace nice with English speaking areas, whereas I like to roam locally when abroad and would happily stay in a shared hostel room if it meant getting to see the ‘real’ area. I have an open door policy at home and often invite groups of people round, I’m his sister and have never been round to his for a meal and that’s not because he hates me, I don’t think he’s ever hosted a family event or more than one friend because he likes his space to be his space. Neither of us are wrong, neither of us are bad people, we’re very similar with quite a lot of differences. We’re extremely close despite being different generations and despite sometimes not understanding each other. The biggest thing is that we both know that in an emergency, we could call the other and we would be there in an instant. 

My hope is that my girls will have a similar close bond, perhaps even easier as they are so close in age. They will grow up watching the same TV shows, knowing the same people, perhaps being taught by the same teachers and having the same cultural references. This will likely mean they have more moments of screaming at each other, more days that they hate each other. the close proximity will draw them closer and on occasion make them wish they were further apart!

At the moment Holly adores Scarlett, and Scarlett adores showing off to Holly. They make each other laugh, they hit each other with lego bricks when one wants to build a tower and the other wants to knock it down. They both love to dance and sing, they both like giving cuddles and I think that they are both going to be very empathic as they always notice and react when one of me or my husband are upset or in pain. 

I’ve been proofing and arranging two books today to be published. ‘A Bumpy Ride’, and ‘A Bumpier Ride’. I started this blog to take note of both pregnancies right up until their first birthdays. They have a book each, from around 4 months pregnant, to just after their first birthday. And within the pages, are countless memories, anecdotes and descriptions of a time that even now, not much later on, the details have become fuzzy. The memories have started to fade, which is terrifying, it makes me extremely grateful to have written it all down. Putting the thoughts together made me wonder what to do with the remaining posts. I have continued writing now past Holly’s first birthday with no real plan with what to do with those posts. But in reality, this entire process is for the girls, for them to read, or ignore if they’d rather! I have so many questions from when I was younger, questions that understandably are a bit difficult for my parents to now answer, especially as it was over thirty years ago! I’m lucky that I have a diary from 1985 that my Mum wrote, a short passage of which I’ve posted below. It’s an insight into those small details that you can’t remember even a couple of years after as the first few years are such a blur, it’s like a descriptive memory that you don’t have as such a young child and that you inevitably lose as an adult. 

Perhaps the series WILL become a trilogy, the what came next, ages 1 – 5, the years that they won’t be able to remember for themselves. Whatever happens, I hope they both know how much my husband and I adore them, and how much of a priority they are to us. I also hope they grow up to know how important they are to each other, regardless of how their differences might make them feel like they don’t have a lot in common, or how much their similarities remind them too much of each other! I’m so excited to see how they both grow up together, but for now I’m enjoying savouring every little, desperately important but fleeting moment.

1985 Diary Entrys

Tuesday 21st May 1985: Danielle got up at 8.30am and I feel completely refreshed although I woke up at about 4am anticipating Danielle waking up. She has been trying to lift herself up from her bottom. At the moment she can’t lift her top half together with her legs and bottom. Danielle went to bed at 8.30pm. She woke up at 4.15 but it was because her little arm was caught between the bars in her cot and was absolutely freezing

Thursday 23rd May 1985: Danielle was first up at 6.15 for a feed, then went back down at 6.30 until 9.45. She has been really good today, although she seems to want to chew on her bottom lip – I’m not sure if she’s teething but it sure looks like it. I put her to bed at 8pm but she woke up again at 9 laughing at her Nanna Whelan!! I put her back to bed at 9.15 and she seems to have settled.

Sunday 2nd June 1985: Danielle first woke at 6.15am, then after feeding her she woke up at 8am. She’s been very good today, smiling everyone. I took her to the beach and she loved it. Her Auntie Jan put Danielle’s feet in the the water but it was a bit cold!! Danielle settled at 8pm.

Monday 29th August 1985: Danielle has finally got her tongue around the word ‘Dada’. she’s been saying it all day and she sounds lovely. I put it on tape so that Nick would believe me.

Friday 9th August 1985: We took Danielle to the baths today for the first time. It was so cold but she loved it.

Sunday 15th September 1985: Danielle started crawling today. Although she’s been moving around for some time, she actually crawled properly today.

Friday 20th September 1985: Danielle said ‘mama’ properly today. Now Danielle has started crawling there’s no stopping her and we keep having to move everything out of her way (especially the papers and my catalogues which she is determined to eat)

There it is, a little insight to my first year, first swim, first words, crawling, little moments that would otherwise be lost to time. In ten years time will I remember that Scarlett went nappy free and started using the potty on Friday 1st September? Doubtful. Will I know that the girls went to their first music concert on Saturday 17th June 2017, and it was Rick Astley, one of Mummy’s favourites? No probably not. But I’ve got it written down, and although it seems unimportant, those moments are precious. And therefore I will continue to safeguard those memories.

Travelling Towards Change…


I have done MANY hours of travelling about in the last month. It’s meant a lot of time away from my girls, and a friend on Facebook messaged to ask if everything is ok, as I seemed to be ‘away from my family much more than is appropriate’. They were well meaning. I haven’t been posting details of what my trips are for (mainly because it’s primarily just a series of meetings or interviews which is boring!), I have however posted pictures of the highlights. They genuinely wanted to know if maybe everything wasn’t ok at home, assuming perhaps that I’ve just been off and about on a lot of jollies, ditching my family and heading off for fun.
And admittedly within the last few weeks, I’ve posted a picture of me climbing Ben Nevis, having a bloody good night out in Glasgow for a friends birthday that happily coincided with a meeting I had up there. I’ve posted pictures of Dover Castle, and the Harry Potter bridge. Without a doubt, the recent travels have not been without their highlights.

What I didn’t post was the 36 hour travelling with no sleep tears breakdown in a train toilet, the guilt I felt from being away from my children and husband. My grief from not being with them. The loneliness of ANOTHER train journey away from home. Opportunities I went for only to receive a rejection before arriving home because the journey home was so long. Sitting in a coffee shop and having to call a friend to come and get me because I was so tired and emotional I didn’t trust myself to move. For every lovely meal of tapas with my hosts, there are at least three sad looking service station sandwiches. For every fancy cocktail, there’s been two cans of red bull to try and keep awake.

As a family we have decided that I am going to pursue a slightly different career path. The quality of life my former role was providing came at a price that wasn’t ok for our children. We knew this would mean a period of me going to chase down other possibilities, other options. Which meant we knew this would mean quite a bit of time apart. As the summertime is a slightly quieter time for my husband, it was the perfect time for me to go for it, find something that can provide for my family and keep the spark in my eyes, the passion in my belly for what I’m working on. Contrary to some belief, achieving your ‘dream life’ is constant hard work, compromise and sacrifice. Three things that we are keen to prove to our children are more than worth it to love what you do and how you live. 

So yes, I am I suppose, away from my children for a short while, longer than is deemed appropriate. Luckily, as we co-parent, they have not been at all bereft of primary parental care and love. They have also been bombarded with photos, videos and momento’s from a mummy who is missing them. From a Mummy who is doing all of this FOR them. And for the life they deserve, rich in adventure, happiness, passion and love.

And the low points have been eased by videos from home, messages of support, love and courage from my husband. And importantly, significantly eased by people who are family to us. Friends, old, new and renewed who when I’ve wanted to cry or feel alone have hugged me, made me smile, and reminded me how important the people in our life are. Especially lucky we are to have Glaswegian comrades in a particular tough/emotionally charged 48 hours. 

In answer to the FB message, I replied to say ‘everything is very good thank you, thank you for the concern, our lives are exploring different paths for a short time, but we’re doing so very much together. If you’d like to go for a coffee, I’ll happily explain in more detail.’ In hindsight I wish I hadn’t used the word ‘explain’, I certainly don’t have to explain my life decisions to someone who isn’t my husband or children! At the same time, it is her way of looking out for me, with a rather old fashioned view of how the world should work. After all, I absolutely adore the people who have been looking out for me and supporting us as a family. We are excited for where life may lead us, and what we may all achieve over the next few years. The hard work, the sacrifice and the compromises are ALWAYS worth it. The reunion cuddles and precious quality time together ALWAYS sweet enough to make up for the sourness of absence. 

I hope the travelling hours will decrease quite soon, or at the very least the solo nature of the travelling. But if it was for the best for my family, I would happily orbit the moon.

Motivational Mini Figure…


I’ve been quite overwhelmed recently. Because of how things have come together, neither my husband or I are getting any time off in May; my workload has had to be temporarily much higher than normal & we have 2 kids under 3. 

This morning, by the time I’d had 3 cups of coffee, 9 different people needed things from me in a way that left me feeling extremely drained emotionally & intellectually. I was at an ‘hmmm, no not sure about today’ kind of place. 

Today I’m having an online discussion with students about a documentary so that’s therefore been playing over a few times on the TV in the kitchen while I respond to their questions and debate points, whilst also washing up and cooking. While doing this, I idly grabbed a Kinder Egg. I’m not a big fan of them so I gave the chocolate to the girls and I opened up the toy, and there was the pictured little badass. Reading the leaflet there’s 8 potential superhero lady figures, but only one is brunette and wearing purple. In some ways it reminded me of my blogs profile picture. It felt like a sign, like a little ‘you got this’. She’s now on the window sill & I’ve had an extra boost of energy from the superhero within. Because like a lot of people I know, sometimes, the biggest boost you can get is from within. So I’d like to extend a bit of this Kinder Egg delivered kickassery to you all. We all feel overwhelmed sometimes, we all have lists to get done we think we’re never going to get to the end of. And sometimes we all need an extra boost to keep our heads up & keep going with a smile. Love to you all, and remember, we all have 100% record of getting through the tough days, you’ve got this.

Protecting my Path…



I’m raising a white flag. I give up.


Let me explain!


My husband and I were married and expecting a child within the first five months of our relationship. We had known each other aged 5, but the reaquaintence and subsequent whirlwind romance certainly wasn’t long winded. On our first official date, my husband told me he was going to marry me, we were the kind of couple that had previously made me sick. We’d found our kindred spirits within each other, my heart had discovered its counterpart, the lifetime scars in our souls fit like a jigsaw puzzle. Trust me when I say there is no way I can describe the way we got together without making you sick..! Ahh the gloriously idyllic Summer of 2013!


Outside of our hideously romantic bubble, people were no doubt assuming that our surprise pregnancy was the catalyst to getting hitched, and the crueller of them were maybe even taking bets on how long we might last before our film-esque view of life bubble was burst. Even though I’m pretty much sure that no-one really cared, I felt like I needed to prove that even though it wasn’t a planned pregnancy, I would be a good Mother, a good Wife, a grown up enough grown up to be doing these roles.


It made me quite defensive, literally for three years. My pregnancy hormones made me feel like a violently protective Mama bear, of my babies and my marriage. I was constantly on guard on survival mode, on the look out for some slur or some passive aggressive slight on my ability to be a Mum. After all, I my mid twenties, I was told I would be unlikely to be able to conceive and safely carry children on my own so I already felt like a fraud.


We’ve been planning a wedding for the last few years and have recently booked it. I was asked why we were doing it again and my answer was simple; I spent most of our ‘legal’ wedding day throwing up (morning sickness was not kind to me in my first pregnancy!), I don’t remember much of it at all (epilepsy was also not kind to me during either pregnancy!) and at that point, although we were certain of spending forever together, we hadn’t yet built a life together. Three years later? I can spend a day without throwing up (what an achievement!), I can remember my day to day (mostly!) and we have a wonderful life together. Our family is complete with our two little girls, and we have built a business together, a home together, a life together. Most of which wasn’t around when we became man and wife.


Soon after Holly turned 1, I could almost feel the pregnancy hormones physically leaving. My babies are safe and well, we got through the pregnancies, we’ve stumbled our way through learning how to be parents (I mean…we’re winging it, but it turns out that’s the big secret!) and things are now established enough that I feel like I can relax my shoulders. I don’t need to be 100% on my guard.


And it’s a lovely feeling. Over the last few weeks, I’ve really chilled out, like I’ve been playing roles that I didn’t think anyone thought I belonged in, and I’ve only just realised that not only are they definitely my roles, but the only approval I need is my own.


I think we all feel that there are roles in life that we’re not good enough for, or qualified enough for, or that we deserve them. And for some reason, in this celebrity obsessed, reality TV led society, everyone’s personal choices are suddenly up for public discussion. Cheryl Cole recently had a baby and almost every weekly celebrity magazine had her on the cover with different angles as their ‘story’, talking about whether her relationship was strong enough, whether the age difference was appropriate, bring up clips of their first meeting to be commented on. And that kind of societal thinking spills no ‘real life’. In reality, their first child is nobodies business but Cheryl and Liam’s, their first meeting, their ages (as long as legal and consensual), and whether she has help, doesn’t have help, breastfeeds, or frankly, even if she bathes in unicorn tears and Horlicks for the health of her baby. IT’S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS! Likewise, when I was worrying that people would think we were rushing things, whether we should have/shouldn’t have get married when we did, whether we’re raising our kids right. I care about the opinion of my husbands and my own. I will happily listen to well meaning friends and family because I’m certainly not arrogant enough to think I have all the answers. But if they disagree with what I’m doing, but it’s what I believe in, I’m going to follow my own path with my head held high. And if I fall flat on my face, so be it, at least I stayed true to what I thought was best. And if anyone laughs at my fall, they are presumably a) perfect themselves and b) a bit of a dick. And that’s more their problem than mine!


So as I’ve let go of the pregnancy hormones, I’ve also let go of the tension I was carrying around like a hunchback. I’m REALLY excited to continue organising our wedding day, a day we’re hosting to celebrate our life together with a humanist blessing to more accurately represent our life views. (In the same way that we’re not religious, we also don’t really value the old legality of a non religious wedding so the government necessities weren’t really very us).


And some people will think it’s overly theatrical, some people will wonder why we’re bothering as we’re already technically married. And that’s fine, my advice would be for them to have a less dramatic day if they choose to get married, and to only do it once if that’s what works for them. I can’t stop them thinking we’re doing things wrong, so I’m finally letting go of the defensiveness I felt!


I AM a Mother, I AM a Wife, I’m not necessarily any good at either role..! But I’m doing them to the best of my ability, and that’s all I can ask of myself and of anyone else. The political scene has also brought about a slightly more hostile community feel. All of a sudden, with such big changes happening and the country so divided, neighbours are suddenly turning on each other based on the colour of the poster in their windows. Family meals are exploding into dispute because of passionate thoughts from all sides. Politically, it’s been much longer than just a Winter of discontent, and never before has it been more openly discussed, which is a double edged sword, especially when the recent local elections were so poorly attended. ANYWAY, my point is, I surrender. So with my white flags, I also hold aloft my personal flags, this is who I am, what I believe, but that doesn’t put me at odds with anyone who feels differently. I personally feel like a lot of us could do with an unclenching, to respect each others life choices and views. Gone are the days where there were two streets to choose between when setting up home, the days where you went into a profession based on what you were born into, and the days gone by when your parents and circumstances dictated your life. We now have literally millions of options for all things. And so it’s understandable that we all also now have millions of variables when it comes to the opinions we hold and the beliefs we live by and nurture. But it’s ok to be different, it’s how all those different roles get filled! And what other people think about your choices are none of your business and therefore nothing to spend time worrying about.


I have always been the kind of person to walk my own path, since being young. Even at primary school I insisted on being allowed to play football and was then the first girl to do so, but somewhere in my twenties I lost the confidence in doing so, I started trying to fit in. and so when I started back on my own path, I forgot to do so with my head held high, I somehow did so but felt like I needed to justify my every move.

It’s not lent, but I’m giving up on it. I’m tuning in instead to the feisty little girl who was told that football was for boys and decided that she was bloody well going to be allowed to play! SHE didn’t care if anyone thought it wasn’t becoming of a girl to run round on a football field, SHE didn’t get if anyone was talking about her being different or wrong, SHE just looked at what she wanted to do, what her heart told her to do and she went from it. My apologies to that little girl, she would’ve have been very disappointed in me over the last few years, and I now have two little mini me’s watching how I behave and how I judge myself and others, and that’s motivation enough for me!