All for the best…


I’m very down today. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to be home (
I was let home yesterday with a bag of painkillers, antibiotics, stronger epilepsy tablets and instructions on how to keep our baby safely inside for at least a few more weeks). However, one of the biggest things, for the safety of my toddler and our unborn child at the moment with the increased epilepsy risk is that for the remaining weeks while the risk is there, although the risks are small, I’m not going to be on my own until the baby is safely here and everything else has calmed down.
Now I understand this. There is nothing in the world that would make me put either of my children at any risk. 
But hands down, as a Mother, it’s the hardest thing to deal with during this process. I KNOW the logic, I KNOW the reasons behind it. I don’t need to hear that it’s ‘for the best’ or ‘for my own good’. I understand it all. But for a Mum to hear that you are not the safest person for your child to be with is heartbreaking. Devastatingly so. And at the moment because we’re seeing various different health practitioners as we get passed through triaged, wards, back home etc etc, it’s been a sentiment emphasised to us several times. Which only really makes it more difficult, by the time I’ve spoken to 4 health professionals, I feel like screaming, “yes I get it, I am not suitable to be looking after my own children. Please stop ramming that down my throat.”
Now I know I’m being somewhat irrational. I know that they’re not questioning me as a mother in general. The additional strain of this pregnancy has had an unfortunate knock on effect on my underlying epilepsy; which means that while the (amazing) NHS treat repeated kidney infections and deal with the medical things that go hand in hand with that, my brain is starting to struggle to keep it together. The lack of sleep makes it worse. The increased risk of falling whilst holding my beautiful little girl or simply while carrying my unborn child, or the increased risk that confusion may lead to any kind of accident or even just me not realising if my waters break or similar because I’m not ‘with it’ enough are not risks I’m willing to take. My husband and I have dramatically changed our normally hectic timetables to accommodate this including help from family and friends. We are doing that so we do the best for our children.
So I’m not in any way fighting the plan. I’m in full support of the plan. I will do whatever is needed. The part I’m struggling with? Saying goodbye to my little girl as she once again goes off with somebody to be looked after. Nodding numbly as a health professional asks us to confirm that we have things in place to ensure I’m not on my own with the children. Having other people tell me about things my little girl has done. 
And, needing other people to organise or rearrange their lives around me. I am normally someone who happily lives around ensuring other people are ok, I usually have a busy and hectic life which suits my family and myself and I love being involved in lots of different projects and other peoples projects. It’s what my personal and professional life revolves around and is based on. In Scarlett’s early days, we travelled all around the country and it was fab. Life is busy, life is manic and life is great. But now when I’m at home I suddenly need help with simple things, and have to answer seemingly ridiculously easy questions to make sure I haven’t lost any time. My husband ensures I take all the various tablets I need to. The busy, independent woman filling her days and taking her daughter along with her, has turned into a useless shell who, chances are if you call round, is in the middle of a half nap because a combination of side effects and pain means I can’t sleep.
Once our second child is here, all these things will be much more easily sorted. There will be of course a period of recovery and my kidneys and epilepsy won’t be 100% solved overnight. But it really won’t take too much time once everything isn’t under so much pressure from each direction. I’m also more than aware that becoming parents to a second child will not quieten our schedule. We are not naive enough to think that post birth, life will become easy. But take away constant trips to the hospital to clear up infections, the additional risk of worsened epilepsy (which is not anticipated to be an issue when the other health issues are resolved) and we can just concentrate on sleepless nights, and the regular trials and tribulations that parenthood brings! 
So today I am very down. I missed saying goodbye to my little girl as she went to be looked after again because I was half asleep, half awake and I don’t remember her going. 
She will have a lovely day, without me. She will pick up more words and phrases in a highly active stage of her development, without me. She will be safe, without me. 
I know all the logic, I know that it’s for the best, and I’m happy to do so to ensure the best for my children. But for now, at the moment, my heart is broken. 


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