Midnight fatigued feelings…

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As I type this, it’s 05.21 and I haven’t been to bed yet. Baby Scarlett has a very blocked nose which is making sleeping almost impossible for her and she keeps waking up and crying. My husband has a busy weekend coming up with a lot of driving so I am currently downstairs with the Moses basket down here with me so I can keep the cuddles going for her whilst not disturbing my husband, who has been a pillar of support over the last couple of difficult days and really needs some rest!

It must be very confusing for her not to be able to breathe through her nose and it’s heartbreaking not to be able to do anything for her. I’m no longer bothering to try and go to sleep, it just makes it harder to get up each time! So instead I decided to go back and have a little read of all the messages on Facebook of congratulations and well wishes from when she was born. And, like I did then, several tears came to my eyes as I read through all the heartfelt expressions of love, support and good luck.

Admittedly, I’m VERY tired, and my emotional control isn’t what it used to be before those pesky maternal hormones came into play!

But ask anyone that knows me and they’ll confirm that I’m cranky when I’m tired, I’ve always been bad at sleeping but I’ve always caught up or slept at funny times to ensure I had enough rest time. That’s not quite how it works when you have a baby. Scarlett woke me up at 2am on the 1st July when my waters broke and I haven’t caught up since! There’s no time, like almost every parent, I walk around on fumes most of the time. But you know what, it’s brilliant.

Every day, every single day when I look into that little girls face, with her beautiful blue eyes I feel like I could do anything. Every smile lights up the entire room. Today, despite the fact that she has been feeling poorly, when the two of us were standing together in the lounge with her, my husband chatting to her with her in my arms, she let out her first proper baby giggle, and the emotions took my breath away. In that moment, I swelled with pride and my heart nearly burst with love, not only for her but for my husband as well. We made this tiny little new person and she amazes us every day. It’s hard, it’s really hard, especially when it’s 05.21 and you’re weighing up whether to make Camomile tea or admit defeat and put on a pot of coffee so you can survive the following 24 hours (especially knowing full well my husbands away for the night working!). And I know it’s not a night of missed sleep that I’ll get back, tonight is gone and there’s no retrievals. But I couldn’t be happier.

Years ago, nearly 30 years ago in fact, my Dad wrote a poem. I should tell you, my Father is not known for his theatrical talents, he freely admits never to having read a book (since he had to at school) and although he’s very supportive of me, creative pursuits are not really his bag. However, he once told me that he couldn’t adequately explain how he felt when I was born, and that this once in a lifetime poem, just sort of came to him. And I think his words actually sum up that crazy haze when you realise your life has been taken over by someone else, that moment you realise someone has set up a permanent camp in the largest part of your heart, really quite well. (I should also point out that my Mum is more the creative talent, and used to write a lot of poems, but she didn’t keep them so heartbreakingly I never got to read them)

So in fact that’s enough from me, I’m going to try and get at least a cat nap, and I’ll leave you with my Dad’s words…

“When I looked at my little girl
The feelings I experience put me in a whirl
As she lays there asleep
My thoughts are ones I want to keep

I just stand there by her bed awhile
Whilst I look at that angelic smile
The look on her face is so peaceful
What a shame she has to age and become tall

As each day becomes part of our past
I hope and pray my feelings will last”

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