Dear diary, I surrender…

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Soon you’ll see just how much I’m not joking but first a bit of background! I’m one of the thousands of Brits who suffer from hayfever but sadly during pregnancy, antihistamines are out of bounds, there is one nose spray available but I’ve found it’s made little difference apart from making my nose bleed inside. I have between 1-3 weeks left of the pregnancy but due to a smaller than normal uterus, poor baby is trying to grow with not enough room and my tummy is quite painfully stretching which means sleep is very difficult, made even more so because of the current hot UK weather, which I’m sure many people are thrilled with so I’ll try my best not to whine about it! I’ve been back on epilepsy medication for a couple of weeks now so although it seems to be working well, I’ve been a bit dopey, drowsy with extra headaches and nausea. I won’t start also listing things like aching hips and swollen ankles because frankly, this post started very early on to sound incredibly whiny and it’s only going downhill!

Anyway, my point, because I’m sure I started with one in mind…! I’ve spoken a lot recently about how much I’ve been enjoying my third trimester, which is absolutely true. It’s been a blast, I’ve done quite a lot of my list including the below;

– day trip to Stratford
– learning French is in progress and both my husband and I are doing pretty well!
– stayed involved with a piece of theatre for a performance at Armed Forces day this Saturday
– afternoon tea out
– brunch out
– dinner out (there’s been quite a few occasions of eating out!)
– done a car boot sale (sounds like a bit of a strange entry but we’ve been meaning to do one for a while and it was surprisingly fun to indulge our inner Del Boys!)
– day trip to London
– weekend in Brighton (well Seaford..!)
– 2 rather big family party’s
– hosted a girls night in
– day out at a local food and drink festival
– afternoon out at the Cheltenham Lido
– a romantic day out to Oxford
– a group trip to Oxford to a board games cafe
– real quality time with family and friends
– helped my brother move house (again not a traditional bucket list item but fun despite being hectic all the same!)

As you can see, it’s been a busy couple of weeks! And from the outside, it looks like the end of the pregnancy has been an absolute breeze! And in general, the most important feelings have been positive and I will definitely look back on this time with a smile. However, it has definitely got to a point where it’s all getting a bit much and apart from a few trips to the pool, I will be very definitely slowing down and resting for the final stretch.

A few people have asked how I’ve had the energy and expressed in most cases just an admiring envy, but in some others, an expression that they feel in comparison, they’re not coping, which made me think of how we perceive even those we know well. On Facebook and social media, we all portray our best bits, it’s like an XFactor highlights reel. Nobody wants to just share how miserable they are, and quite rightly, why would you want to concentrate on the most miserable parts of your life?! I’m of course going to put up a picture of a group of us at a restaurant and not a picture of me slipping off to the toilet to vomit as subtly as I can…! In answer to the question, how have I had the energy? I haven’t really! I’ve repeatedly pushed myself a bit too far and suffered from it or been snappy and overtired! Do I regret it? No, I don’t have enough energy left to regret things!

But today, I have hit a wall, it’s all been a bit too much and a culmination of things have meant everything has got a bit too difficult and my body has taken over, rest is the order of at least the next few days! And although it’s very against my nature to dwell on the negative in life, I do think there’s also a necessary need to share when going through something like pregnancy. If we all pretend to be finding it easy, we put unnecessary pressure on ourselves and each other to somehow grow a human whilst doing everything else in life with a unwavering smile! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had it slightly more difficult than I might have hoped in an ideal world but I don’t think I know anyone who lives in an ideal world and I’m fully aware that many women have had it far worse than I have! But it is all relative and today I have my white flag up. I’m a first time Mother and I am struggling. There I said it, it’s out there! I’m going to sit on the sofa with a cold flannel for my inflamed eyes, paracetamol for the pain (baby is breech-there’s not enough space for her to turn because of my uterus but she’s determined to try and is currently stuck sideways from the various protruding parts of my stomach!) rubbish TV on and the most I’m going to move is up to the bathroom perhaps for a bath!

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And as you can see…I wasn’t joking, this is what I look like today, this is the best I can look today…it’s not pretty but it is a part of the journey which is why you dear friends, get this insight (you lucky people…!)

So if anyone is struggling – with anything, and your Facebook news feed or Instagram homepage just make it seem like everyone else has a happier, more successful life than you; just remember you’re seeing their highlights and not their struggles. Life happens to all of us and often it’s wonderful, magical and full of opportunities, but it is also tough, draining and impossible to get on top of all of the time. White flag out, pyjamas on, today has definitely been one of this Mummy’s most difficult days.

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